With the launch of the acclaimed new 3-series, BMW has also revealed details of a sophisticated new electronics package that is aimed straight at the new car's core market. Dubbed Bellendtronic, the new system is fully integrated into the car's control systems and allows a range of functions including full disablement of the indicators, perilously late activation of the brakes and an adapted radar cruise control that allows the driver to sit 4mm from your back bumper in the outside lane of the M6.

Amongst other neat touches, Bellendtronic can also apply light brake pressure at all times, covering the wheels in dust, something that will be a particular benefit if your fleet manager wouldn't let you specify alloy wheels and you want to disguise ugly plastic rim covers or the fact that if you weren't such an aspirational little tw*t you'd have gone for a rather better equipped Honda Accord. Initially Bellendtronic will be available on the forthcoming 316i and 318i models only, but the system is expected to become standard fitment for all models in the smaller 1-series range within a year.
Other German makers are expected to follow BMW's lead, including Audi who is poised to make certain versions of the A4 available with a rival system dubbed 'Pushytwat Plus'.


How the Bellendtronic button might look, yesterday